Ever wanted to have a time machine? I wish I could hop into one right now, go back eleven years, clamber up to that balcony and slap my younger self.
Hard.
I know that hindsight is the most accurate. We gain an impressive amount of wisdom when look at our past actions. We can accurately determine where we went wrong and what proper actions we should have taken.We can always wallow in the "could have, would have, should have," scenarios. But all I can think of when I look at how I acted, how I dealt with the situation is an overpowering sense of anger.
At myself.
I was so self-absorbed, so very selfish. Every thought I had was about how "I" felt, how much "I" was hurting and how lonely "I" was without her. I never at any point thought about her and how she was feeling. It was all about me and my pain.
I pretty much struggled till the end of semester. I was really dwelling in self-pity at this point. I pretty much took up residence in mopeville and melancholy. I wasn't very good company at this point. How my friends even put up with me, I have no idea. Worse of all, I was feeling so very bitter towards her. I couldn't stand to be around her. Even when we passed each other in the hallways, I wouldn't meet her eyes, ever.
I managed to scramble things together to pass my classes by the end of the semester. I then did what I deemed the most reasonable way to deal with my heartache.
I ran.
Or in this case, I flew. On a plane, of course.
Now you have to understand, my parents and I were in a rough patch at this point. I hardly spoke to them while I was in college. I rarely answered their e-mails. A phone call to them was pretty much limited to single word responses. Perhaps a grunt or two. So imagine my mom's surprise when I asked her for a one way ticket to the UK. No questions. She knew something was wrong. All I said was I needed to get away. I never liked asking for things from my parents. It was not the way we were raised. If we wanted something, we either saved for it, worked for it or earned it. We never asked.
My dad just told me to book my ticket.
I wasn't sure what was going to happen. My best friend Paul just said I could stay at his condo when I got back. My roommate Benny said he would see me when I returned. I packed my things into boxes, sorted out my suitcase and waited for the day of my flight. I didn't know what I was thinking. But it didn't hit me that I was really going away until one of my batch mates Alison just stopped me on our last day together. "You are coming back, right?"
I wasn't sure.
I flew several days later. I just had a backpack and a small suitcase with me. Usually trips to England were fun. I think I even got a free upgrade to business class. But I was just full of dread. I wasn't on speaking terms with my parents. I was halfway across the world from the one person who occupied my thoughts. Even as the plane touched down a Heathrow airport, all I could think was that it was going be a long cold summer.
I was wrong.
It was actually quite sunny that year.
