Avoid pointy objects, alcohol and elevated areas.

Relationships are strange endeavour. They are the one field where the smartest person becomes a fool. Everyone has an opinion about just how exactly we are supposed to handle them, but once involved, we will gladly take the rulebook, crap on it, set it on fire and think we are above it all. We all think that our relationship at that point is particular special. It's probably true, from a certain point of view. 


But when the curtain falls, how do you respond? All of a sudden, the music ends and the dance is over. I always believed that I knew exactly how to respond. I would be cool and meet it with a wink and a smile. 


I didn't.


If you are reading this and were expecting for tips on how to deal with heartbreak, you will be disappointed. This is not a help column. This is a re-examination of my own shortcomings. How do you expect to keep your dignity and rise above it all? 


The Philippines. 
It was the millennium. 
2000. 


This was supposed to be the start of a great new year and new century. I was not greeting the new year with any smile at all. It was bad enough I spent most of the holiday season bed-ridden with flu, but ever since I got back things were going wrong. I was not in the mood. The semester had started with great promise, but was falling apart. And it came down to one small event. 


My girlfriend and I were breaking up. 


I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. A stray word here. An odd look there. You have to understand, this was my first real relationship. This was not a simple ego trip or desire to not be alone. I really cared for this person. She was special. She made me happy. I didn't know how to deal with being happy. For once, someone actually decided to take a chance on me. So I took it seriously. But I never really knew what I was doing. I had always prided myself on having a game plan or a strategy  in handling a situation. 


I learned the hard way that there was no right way to deal with it. Was I just that naive? Probably so, and very idealistic. Was I just not looking at what was in front of me? Perhaps I chose no to.


I can't remember why, exactly. We had taken a walk and had "the talk." There were some raised voices. Gritted teeth. We stormed back to her dormitory. I kept on delaying each step, trying to buy time. But still we came to the doorway. I said that maybe we should just end this. She said fine. 


Then…  I remember grabbing her by the wrist as she turned away.  I knew that if I let go, if I let her pass through the door, it would all be over. I pleaded with her. I didn't want this to end. But then I looked at her.  There was this look in her eyes, pleading me to let go.

So I did.

What did we fight about? 

Was it something I had done? 

Or was it something I failed to do?

I know that the short walk from her dormitory to my own seemed to go on forever. The five minute journey seemed to keep on going. I think I walked past my dorm, turned left walked don the pathway and just kept on going. I had probably walked halfway around the campus, when I stopped under a street light. There right next to it was one of the many trees that lined the roads. 
I picked one.


Then proceeded to slam my fist against it. 


There was no scream, no groan. Just a silence interrupted by the repeated thumping of my hand against the bark. After a while, I stopped. 


I felt nothing. 


I then turned around and proceeded home. 


The laughter in the background of my dorm sounded only like a buzzing noise. It felt alien. I cleaned my self off and readied my self for bed. Perhaps I would feel better in the morning, I told myself. Yes, sleep. I could hide away there. Perhaps in a dream. 


I woke the next day, without rest. Sleep didn't help and dreams had abandoned me.  So I crawled to the balcony and sat in the corner. Then I curled up into a ball and cried. 


Red eyes. Throat dry. No matter how painful, all the tears didn't seem enough.

I was pathetic. And I knew it.

I could hear my room mates scurry around getting ready for classes. I kept quiet. I didn't want them to know what had happened. I think it was Walter who noticed I was there first. He popped his head through the doorway. We did our nodding thing. He asked if I was ok. I lied and said yes. He nodded back. He got the idea. He went off to class. I went back to looking off into the distance. 

Benny came by later. We did the whole nod and lie routine as well. He sat for awhile until he had to go to class. I lied again and said I would be fine.  He kept on checking on me between classes, sometimes just sitting quietly beside me. He got me lunch as well. 

It was a long day. 


But all I could think about was how much I already missed her. 


And that I never really told her how special she was. 


And that I never told her how much I cared. 








On a side note, I still owe Benny for the tuna sandwich.