Being Adam Russell (originally written 10 May 2005)

(This is a repost. I wrote this six years ago prior to my birthday. I was still a bit messed up emotionally back then. Still, it is one of the more raw contributions I ever wrote. I'm reposting it because I believe it is worth revisiting. So, this is for you, my dear brother. We still miss you.)

Being Adam Russell

Being Adam Russell isn't easy...

First, be born into a family that will forever have to listen to tales of elders of how the family name was literally and figuratively lost at the roll of the dice or more specifically through endless sessions of Mah-jong.

You then have to realise that you cannot feel any of the supposed sadness usually associated with said loss as you never experienced said luxury.

You also have to be born miles away, on the other side of the world. You are then expected to grow with the stiffest of upper lips and still eat adobo (look it up!) with gusto. That stiff upper lip will come in handy at the first experience of eating Balut.(look it up, you'll understand why)

You will then return to the land of your forefathers as the desire to defend the family honour burns anew in your parents hearts. You will then swap snow falls for typhoons, Tottenham Hotspurs (Fave football team) for Ginebra (would be fave basketball team), and a cockney accent for one that will forever assure you will never fit in anywhere.

You will see no fault in this plan, as the world is ok and nothing will go wrong as long as you still have book to keep you company.

You will also learn that this is lie.

You will learn you family is not perfect, and neither are you. You will know the pain of betrayal and see innocence forever lost.

And you will learn how to hide it all... behind a smile.

You will compromise. You will sacrifice. You will defend and protect them.
And they will never see, will never know.

You will bide your time, do what is needed, shelve your dreams hoping to dust them off another day.

And when your dream is finally threatened, you will fight, even if it be from your own blood.

You will bargain away a fragile peace with your parents for a shot at your dreams.

And you will then find you.

For once, the smiles are real, the laughter loud and the face in the mirror is actually recognisable. It will be a time of joy that no one will never really understand. Even the saddest moments in the four years will be happier than those past.

You will test friendships, loyalties, principles and above all your heart.

You will learn take the blows that no one will take. But you will find comfort in company of friends. A shared silence between you will be better than any conversation.

You will also love. And you will love like never before.

You will finally... be happy.

And then you will make a choice, a mistake that change everything.

You will return to your birthplace, with hope and love in you heart. You will then try to scale new heights.

And fall.

You will learn of oblivion, for it comes with heartbreak.

You will then only keep to the shadows, holding on to nightmares revisited pains long forgotten.

And from that darkness, a friend will reach out for you.

It's not easy being Adam Russell.

You are as human as the generic brand suggests.You are Don Quixote.

You are flawed.

You are a disgrace.

But that is for them to decide.

You know these truths...

A name is but a label.
A family's past does not make you a failure.
The face in the mirror is not who you are...

I wish I was Adam Russell.

But I am not.

Adam Russell was all this and probably more. But we will never know. 
Adam Russell died 24 years ago, an hour after he was born.

Happy Birthday Adam Russell.

I hope I make you proud.

Your brother,

Adam James Russell.