Writing in invisible ink.(Part 2)

When I restarted this blog, I pretty much did it with much prodding from a particular lady friend. I didn't put much hope in it, truth be told. I had tried previously and those attempts proved unsuccessful and short-lived. While I have not kept up as regular as I had hoped, I've kept at it longer than I thought or even hoped. Previous tries had faltered, mostly because I lost interest or kept leaving things off.

Actually, that would be a lie. I just really didn't have the heart to write.

To be honest, I never grew up wanting to be a writer. It just wasn't my thing, growing up I was always more of a reader. From a young age, my parent pressed upon my bother and I the importance of reading. Actually, out whole family are avid readers. Ma is a thriller and romance reader. Dad is a non-fiction and DIY devotee. My brother is more off the beaten track sort. And myself?

I grew up with Enid Blyton, Roald Dahl and Hans Christian Anderson. I suppose that's a strange mix of authors. Blyton's "The Adventures of the Wishing Chair" was the first book I read repeatedly. It was a collection of tales  of two kids who find a magical chair that grew wings. The chair would the take them off to strange lands and  meet magical people. I guess the idea of travelling to strange new places was exciting to a young boy growing up in Greenwich, England. Funny enough, when I finally left for the Philippines, reading the book was my only connection to England. The familiar humour, the odd English eccentricities and the fact they always had tea time, made it so comforting.

As I entered, primary/elementary school, The Hardy Boys detective series was my drug of choice. Frank and Joe Hardy would enthral me with their adventures. It seems almost corny now. That fact is I could probably breakdown their plots and the flow of each story. It's actually predictable! The brother's stumble on to a case. Frank uses his nerdy detective savvy. Joe would pull off some athletic feat. Chet Morton (their best Friend) would bumble about. And Chief Collig would pretty much overlook their meddling in police business.

But I didn't care.

I must have read every book in the Elementary Library, even the encyclopaedia! All of that, just for kicks. While other kids would be running around the playground, I would sneak off to read. I think I must have gotten into trouble, dozens of times for reading a book during class.

I guess, it started then. I would scribble down small stories about me and my friends at school. We would be super heroes, flying around the world, dressed in ridiculous costumes. We would be complete Japanese Anime rip-offs, fighting in our mecha. Later, we would clamber around in our armour, fighting every dragon we meet.

Small tales, that I would scribble down in my awful handwriting. I wish I kept those stories. They could have been the great stories I would be telling my future grand children. Shame that they are lost to time and memory.

Plus I could have sold them for the Kindle.

The beds we choose to lay in...

Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over...
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Ohh...

(Better Man by Eddie Vedder [Pearl Jam])

When Eddie Vedder first wrote this song, he was in high school. He actually performed it with one of his earlier bands. Strangely enough, this song was initially rejected when Pearl Jam  were planning on recording the “Vs” album. He wasn’t even comfortable with releasing this as part of the “Vitalogy” album. The song lyrics are full of sadness, sarcasm and an air of resignation. It also helps that there is a fantastic tune to go along with it.  To those unfamiliar with it, the song recounts the conflict face by a woman who is in an abusive relationship. Tired of the abuse, she plans to confront her partner and finally makes a stand for herself. But when the moment comes, she backs down, pretends to be asleep and decides to let the status quo remain. To add to this, she decides to stick to the relationship, saying that she can’t find anyone better.

When I first heard this song, I never really listened to the lyrics. I just dug the tune. But as time passed, I really began to listen to the song and realised just how dark the song really was. The subject matter is just so desperate and dire, which makes the ending resignation all the sadder. It makes me always wonder why people sing it so gleefully when it is performed live. I know it is a fantastic sounding song, but the dark nature of the song always makes me feel uncomfortable.


This song made me think very carefully about every relationship I had and chose to be in. It scared me that anyone could use love as tool, even manipulate a loved one in such a manner. Such abuse is not limited by creed, gender, religion or nationality. It can exist in relationships familial, romantic and even platonic.

This is not a happy song. It’s a song of sad resignation to being trapped an abusive relationship and ultimately choosing to remain in it. Why? Because they can't find anyone better. In this case, there isn't a better man. Now that is a terrible reason to stay. A love most... "meh."

Abusive relationships are something I have never been able to understand. The idea of someone trapping someone else into a relationship my pure manipulation and at times violence, has repulsed and scared the living daylights out of me. I must admit, I used to have very simple ideas regarding the nature of abusive relationships.I used to believe that it was merely a violent tendency that drove the relationship of the abuser and the abused. To which I used to scratch my head at why anyone would let anyone themselves be hurt so much. In my naivete, I even thought the victims as cowardly. After all, anyone that subjects themselves to such only ends up that way if they allow it to be.

In an effort to understand, I took to reading up on the subject and was even more disturbed by what I learned about the subject. There is a whole cycle that can emerge between the abuser and the abused. There is the grace period, where everything is fine, pleasant, even good. Then there are the small outburst of anger, and threats of violence. This can simmer until there is ultimately a burst of abuse. Now I often thought abuse was purely in violent action, physical pain. But abuse can be manipulative, psychological. There is the chess game of denial, even restricting the victim, leaving them completely dependent on the abuser. Then this is where it gets hazy. The abuser can then switch it around either by begging forgiveness for their actions.

" I can change, "
" It was a one time mistake"
 " It won't happen again."

And that is if you are lucky. Other times the abuser will switch it around an put the blame on the victim. Everything is therefore, the fault of the victim. They caused this to happen, by their own actions or inaction, they are the person responsible. Which fills the victim with guilt, ultimately wishing to make amends. Creating the period of grace. After all, they have made their bed. Time they lay in it, right?

And the cycle begins again.

There are many critics of this model, saying it is too simplistic and they may be right. It may never apply to all cases, but it does hold many truths.

The sadder fact is to see it unfold before your very eyes. You see the abuser and you see the victim. You see it happening before you. You realise what is going on, but you can't do anything. It's your word against theirs. And when the victim refuses to admit they are are a victim, either out of fear, ignorance or denial, you have no case.

Sometimes, even if you try, you become the bad guy.

What then?

Eddie Vedder famously dedicated one particular performance of this song to, what he said was "the b**t**d who married his mother." I guess he did not  like his step-father very much. While the nature of that particular relationship is subject to speculation, the intensity of the song is undeniable.

I sometimes find myself listening to this song quietly in my room. I have seen people trapped in these relationships before. It has been my regret that I have never been able to help anyone, successfully. And it breaks my heart living with that fact. I don't ever want to be the person that Vedder wrote about. I don't want to be the person trapped and more so, I never ever want to be the person who hurts another person that way.  

We all deserve to be happy, truly happy.

I pray I can be a better man.

And someday, be found.

(P.S. Thanks to Wikipedia. I had remember reading about the song's history before, but it had been a while.)

"Tagay muna!" One for the road... now one for the sky! (Part 1)

A couple of weeks ago, some of my high school friends met up in Bacolod, Philippines for the annual MassKara Festival...

Oh, finished that line of thought last time.

But it does lead me into something that came to mind. Three of my old high school friends met up for the weekend to catch up on old times and to simply enjoy the festivities. Of course they had to make me jealous as I could not be there by giving me a run down of what they were up to, but that was fine. The thing was I was comparing notes with my best friend Paul and he was joking about how little alcohol was consumed. It was mostly a foodfest. When I raised a virtual eyebrow over this fact, he just joked that we were probably getting old.

Looking back, there does seem to be a huge trend with my peers, drinking wise. Growing up, drinking alcohol was pretty much a given in Filipino culture, especially amongst males. Even at a young age we pretty much accepted the smell of booze. My mother to this day refuses to be in the same room as my dad if he decides to drink "tuba" (palm wine). On the other hand, she does agree it makes great vinegar.

Like all teens we decided to sneak a drink in our high school days. I guess it was a bit of a evolution. We used to play basketball and cool down to the odd carbonated drink. Later that would evolve to a bottle or two of beer. Later on days would end with all of us splitting a crate of beer.

My parents had a practical solution to my evolution into early adulthood and subsequent drinking prowess. They would teach me the ins and outs of drinking alcohol, socially. Unfortunately, they forgot to discuss the matter between them. This would lead to my mother introducing me to the intricacies wine drinking and my father on beer and spirits. And they did this separately. Who was I to complain? They were picking up the tab.

My father would put me to the ultimate test. Freshman year, Christmas break, New Years Eve. This would be the first time my dad and I would drink together properly. I was excited, obviously as this was going to be my way of proving my manhood, earn my spot on the grown ups table.

So, amidst the fireworks displays in the sky and the cooked dishes on the table, me and Pa went at it. One crate of Gold Eagle Mucho (I doubt they make this anymore) each , a box of Tanduay Rhum 5 years (Got to love the extra Filipino "h". Guess it makes it more "H"ardcore.)  and a bottle of Napoleon brandy.

The rules were simple. Match him drink for drink, but we could eat as much as we wanted. But no one stops until all the alcohol is consumed. We started off pretty well. The beer went down easy, helped by my dad roast chicken and lechon kawali (deep fried pork). I have to admit, Gold Eagle was a pretty light beer, but the volume of a couple of Muchos (500 mls) does catch up. The "Rhum" was a different matter. Back then, they never really put the alcohol volume on the bottles. This wasn't for lack of trying, just that they never really measured it.

It must have been nearly two in the morning by then. The food was pretty much near done, all that was left was the brandy. I decided to kill off the bottle. I got a tall glass, filled it with the remainder of the brandy and topped off the rest with  Coke.

I raised the glass, toasted to my father's health...

Then I down the glass.

Straight.

My father cheered.
I put down the glass, beaming triumphantly.
Smiled.

And then promptly passed out.

I woke the next day, opening my eyes to the smell of coffee. My dad was holding it up to my nose.

"So," he asked, "Still want to drink?."

I just groaned my response.

Hala-Bira! Memories of Dinagyang, an Iloilo festival. (Or any other excuse to party)

A couple of weeks ago, some of my high school friends met up in Bacolod, Philippines for the annual MassKara Festival. To the uninitiated, this is a yearly event is a spectacle of dance, procession and food festivals. Oh, and masks. The highlight would be the street dance competition with people wearing elaborate costumes and well, masks. Its a cultural festival as well as a celebration.  Some may argue that it's manufactured via a presidential decree in 1977 to promote regional tourism. To be fair, many of it's counterparts were celebrated before the decree came into affect. It just got the presidential stamp of approval.


So what does this have to do with what I'm writing about today?

Almost, pretty much nothing at all.

Or nearly nothing at all.

I actually haven't been to MassKara, which is to my own embarrassment. Come to think of it, it has been more than as decade since I have seen any of the major festivals in the Visayas Region. Cebu has it's Sinulog Festival, Aklan has Ati-atihan and my home province has Dinagyang. Well, to there is also Halaran in Capiz and Binirayan in Antique, but I was always less familiar with those two. When I was younger, I would always take time to check out the processions whenever they would be televised. It was fun. Probably the closest we get to the New Year's parade in New York. Except with Ati-Ati tribal street dancing. Drums and all.


So, maybe it's nothing like the New Year's parade then.


Dinagyang then. Once a year, the heart of Iloilo City would be a nod to several concer driving zone. All this to accomodate a whole long weekend of festivities. Now, while the actual celebration is a two day event, covering the fourth weekend in January, I always preferred the Ati-Ati part of the celebration. There is the Kasadyahan street dance, where groups, usually schools perform artistic street performances. It was fun, but that always played second fiddle to the main event. Oh, and the food festival. Every restaurant, catering company or hotel would setup and outdoor eatery, inviting people to gorge on the best food there was top offer. And there was a lot to on offer. This would always coincide with the nighly sound system competition whch would result in impromtu discos in the street. I think this has evolved to concerts being staged as well, but I digress. Let's just say the nightly events were a great excuse to go out, eat, drink and be very merry.

But on to the main event.

To the uninitiated, the Ati-Ati street dancing is a competition of teams composed of 50 odd warriors and supporting musicians, primarily drummers. The tribe members are painted in brown, and garbed in elaborate headdress and outfits. The outfits are usually made of indigenous materials  (Hurrah for the environment! Just don't ask how these acquired. You may weep.) Most of the tribes are based by town or even high school. My own alma mater Iloilo National High school was a multiple event winner. (Ok, we were in the SCC part of the school, but tenuous connection. And I am proud of the old school. ) The whole tribe would then perform a dance routine to a beat of the drums and whatever accompanying instruments. Usually in various sequences and artistic formations stopping only to cry out praise to the Child Christ Jesus, to whom the festival is dedicated. Oh, and " Hala- Bira!". You will hear that a lot. Did I mention each tribe had to do this about five times at a specific checkpoint.


A long day for them, then?



We could spend hours talking about the cultural significance of these festivals. Protection of  regional heritage one might say. We could also ramble on the tenuous religious connections that are lend to each festival. Pagan festival plus religious undertones equals justification to celebrate a festival. Still, as much as my natural skepticism will love to rip these festival apart, I cannot deny that they are just so much fun. But more importantly, it's a great excuse to hang out with friends and family to celebrate.


When I was younger, it was tradition in my family to go to the Dingayang Festival to watch it live. My dad would go to the city before the roadblocks would set in and park our jeepney in a strategic position to watch the Ati street dance competition live. He would then send for us to follow and we would pack a huge lunch spread. We would then get to the site, clamber on to the roof of the jeepney and wait for the parade to begin.


One year, we followed the same routine and got a great position to watch the procession. On top of our jeepney, of course. Pa had as usual, forgotten to shave and to get a haircut. For several months, in fact. At this check point, one of the local radio stations was covering the event, giving live update. It was also being broadcast on load speaker. The pair of DJ's decided to talk about the atmosphere.

"So it looks like everyone has come to watch this year's Dinagyang." DJ 1 exclaimed.


"Ah, yes, everyone has come to town," his partner DJ 2 agreed.


"Even Jesus has come to watch!" DJ 1 continued.


DJ 2, thinking his partner had decided to take a religious spin, droned piously, "Of course, He is always around my friend!"


"No, there He is! On the roof of that jeepney! " DJ 1 proclaimed, pointing.



A couple of hundred heads turned at once, in the direction he was pointing.

He was pointing at my dad.



We all looked at my dad quietly, as we all went red with embarrassment. We waited for my dad to explode in anger.

He looked back at the crowd. Winked. Smiled. And took a sip of his beer.

Back to the party then?

It's been years since I've seen it all live. I stopped going, because it didn't seem worth the effort. I preferred to watch it on TV. Then, even that went to the side. It became all too commonplace, not cool. I always said I would go again, but time continued to pass. Soon, it was all but forgotten.


I always said I would go and watch the festival live again. I know, it might be a tourist trap, but it is  a fun event. Even better, when attended with friends and family. Maybe next time, I'll even go to the other festivals. An excuse to go to Cebu for Sinulog! (Not that I need much prodding to go there!)Who knows, maybe I'll grow my hair and beard long again.

Maybe I'll get mistaken for Jesus!

Avoid pointy objects, alcohol and elevated areas (Part 3)

"Dude, that was eleven years ago!"

There is a real danger of reopening wounds when confronting the past. Usually things that are at least a decade old should be left alone. In the words of a friend of mine, it this event were a kid, it would be in grade school by now. It's a silent movie, only relevant to the time period. But bear with me.

Here's the truth. It is very easy to talk about the good times and the funny anecdotes. It is much different when you realise that you are the villain. Let me make it clear, I acted appallingly, selfishly and over all stupidly in the months following the breakup.

I was an idiot.

I was 19 and I thought I knew everything. I soon learned the hard way that I didn't. That was the sad truth. It nearly cost me one of the most important relationships I have ever had in my life. Ultimately, at time passed I realised what was really bothering me. It was not the end of the relationship (sad as I was about that.). It was not the hole that appeared when it ended either. The problem I had was my feelings for her. I knew how I felt. I knew it was real. I just wasn't sure she believed me.

This is not arrogance speaking here. The problem was that if someone I cared for so much doubted, I began to doubt myself. Someone even asked me why I loved the person so much and I could find the words to answer. Did that make how I felt any less true? Or were these merely the idealistic desires of someone in love with the concept of being in love?  

This would lead to a journey that has evolved over the years. I had resigned to not being part of her life. I will even admit to instances of acting immaturely. One minute I would quietly campaign for support for her when she assumed a particular position in of residential governance. Strange how easy it is to freak out a freshman by quietly telling them it would be in their best interest to support her. Later on, I would undermine her authority. I guess I just wanted to provoke a reaction, any reaction. Kind of like when kids tease the person they fancied.

From my last years in university, it became important to me to see her succeed and for her to be happy. I was glad to be cheering at the sidelines to every victory she had. I kept tabs though, breaking out in a smile with every good fortune she had. As much as I desired to be in her company, I moved to the sidelines. I missed the friend I had in her, before all the drama took over. I missed that sparkle that she brought with her, making even the crappiest day brighter. I missed mattering to her, being able to a blessing and not a burden.

But it wasn't about me. When it  stopped being about me, that's when I began to appreciate her truly. I began to look to what made her special to me and why I cared about her to begin with. Soon, she no longer became the ex-girlfriend, but became what she was to begin with. The person who made me better and made me want to be better. She taught me more about patience and compassion than I thought possible. That and how to have the most wicked humour around.  Slowly, the cold war ended. Mostly, because I stopped acting like  jerk.


I once asked her if she loved me.
She said yes.
I said, "that was all I need to know. "

Years later, I was about to leave the Philippines. I asked if I could see her. People knew I was leaving. It was a decision I made painfully and reluctantly. I thought it was the best decision at the time. But I was having issues saying goodbye. I didn't want to let go. I was afraid this would be the last time I would see her. It was breaking my heart again.

We had coffee. Small talk dominated. She could have said no, but she didn't.

As the evening came to a end, she looked at me.

"You really love me don't you?"

"Yes, " I replied.

"Thank you," she said.

In all my years to that point, no one had ever thanked me. I knew then I could leave at peace. I knew that wherever I went, I had a her with me.
In many ways, some of the better parts of me are because of her.

Years later, in the darkest period I have known personally, I reached out for a friend. She was there. I could not have gotten through that time without her putting up with me. I am and will be forever grateful for her patience and compassion.

Idiot as I was. (One day, we'll open that chapter. But not yet.)

A year ago, she dropped by. We had coffee. On rainy day, in a small cafe overlooking the Thames, I told her that I loved her. She told me she loved me. Ten years. She didn't have to to say it. She didn't need to. But it was nice to hear. It was worth the wait. This was not the romantic love of couples. This was the love of people who cared for each other as individuals. A love for the person, without expectation. One true love.

This, I learned from her.

Once, I was 19 and I fell in love.
At the test of honour, I let her down. 
I made some poor choices and acted foolishly.
She stayed a true friend, regardless. Much better than I was.
I was her friend.
That's all she needed to know.

For all my faults and weakness, I am truly sorry, E.  

I pray I will always be able to show grace and kindness to all those that I love, just as she did.



I hope one day, I can make her proud.
I'll keep on working to make myself a better person. Keep on loving those special to me as true as I can. Without expectation.
Maybe then, I'll be worthy of that one person I am meant for. 



Until then, I'll look forward to the days of sharing coffee,

Like old friends do.

Apologies! Silence is deafening!

Writing blocks are easy to blame. But I would rather admit to pondering on how to finish a trilogy. I'd rather make a "Return  of the King, " rather than a " Matrix Revolution."


Now... back to action!

Avoid pointy objects, alcohol and elevated areas (Part 2)

Ever wanted to have a time machine? I wish I could hop into one right now, go back eleven years, clamber up to that balcony and slap my younger self.

Hard.

I know that hindsight is the most accurate. We gain an impressive amount of wisdom when look at our past actions. We can accurately determine where we went wrong and what proper actions we should have taken.We can always wallow in the "could have, would have, should have," scenarios. But all I can think of when I look at how I acted, how I dealt with the situation is an overpowering sense of anger.

At myself.

I was so self-absorbed, so very selfish. Every thought I had was about how "I" felt, how much "I" was hurting and how lonely "I" was without her. I never at any point thought about her and how she was feeling. It was all about me and my pain.


I pretty much struggled till the end of semester. I was really dwelling in self-pity at this point. I pretty much took up residence in mopeville and melancholy. I wasn't very good company at this point. How my friends even put up with me, I have no idea. Worse of all, I was feeling so very bitter towards her. I couldn't stand to be around her. Even when we passed each other in the hallways, I wouldn't meet her eyes, ever.

I managed to scramble things together to pass my classes by the end of the semester. I then did what I deemed the most reasonable way to deal with my heartache.

I ran.

Or in this case, I flew.  On a plane, of course.

Now you have to understand, my parents and I were in a rough patch at this point. I hardly spoke to them while I was in college. I rarely answered their e-mails. A phone call to them was pretty much limited to single word responses. Perhaps a grunt or two. So imagine my mom's surprise when I asked her for a one way ticket to the UK. No questions. She knew something was wrong. All I said was I needed to get away. I never liked asking for things from my parents. It was not the way we were raised. If we wanted something, we either saved for it, worked for it or earned it. We never asked.

My dad just told me to book my ticket.

I wasn't sure what was going to happen. My best friend Paul just said I could stay at his condo when I got back. My roommate Benny said he would see me when I returned. I packed my things into boxes, sorted out my suitcase and waited for the day of my flight. I didn't know what I was thinking. But it didn't hit me that I was really going away until one of my batch mates Alison just stopped me on our last day together. "You are coming back, right?"

I wasn't sure.

I flew several days later. I just had a backpack and a small suitcase with me. Usually trips to England were fun. I think I even got a free upgrade to business class. But I was just full of dread. I wasn't on speaking terms with my parents. I was halfway across the world from the one person who occupied my thoughts. Even as the plane touched down a Heathrow airport, all I could think was that it was going be a long cold summer.

I was wrong.

It was actually quite sunny that year.